Doublewide for President

I’ve just about decided to run for president in 2020. It’s too late to throw my boot in the ring this time, unless I could get a write-in campaign going. (hmmmm…. that gives me an idea)

Military experience seems no longer important to the masses and you don’t really have to have a long, illustrious political career. I’m just as qualified as anybody else. I’ve thought about it quite a bit. With the right advisors, I could provide award winning leadership! We could have a presidential team of three or four co-presidents, instead of a pres. and vice pres. Can I still be the Grand Poobah, though?

Presidential Promises (aka Poobah promises):

As president, I promise to whip Congress into shape — everybody from the bottom to the top – staff, aides, all of ’em. I’d jerk a knot in their tails. I’ve thought about this too. There’s no need for high-minded political talk to tickle the ears and lull people into a stupor. Just a little common sense delivered with love from Tennessee. (I’ve been working on my inaugural address) Here’s an excerpt from my first talk to the congressional bunch: Hello ladies and gentlemen. I hope all is well with you, and your mama and ’em. First of all, you need to grow up. Put on your big girl britches and get something done, instead of fighting, scratching and moaning about everything. Learn how to get along and do the job you were sent here to do, for crying out loud. All of you need Jesus – if you already know Him, then act like it. Now get to going –  and no holiday or summer breaks until you get something accomplished.

My message to the terrorists, should they be listening – you’re not allowed here, don’t even try it. Most of us have guns and we know how to use them. Talk about people who need a knot jerked in their tails… Actually, my mama had the right idea years ago. When I was growing up, she kept a perm in my hair almost all the time. The curlier the better (her motto, not mine). I had so much hair, it just expanded into a big ‘ol puff of some sort. In her world, it worked for any dilemma that came down the pike. If  you want world peace — just give all the bad guys perms. It would solve everything.

My dad’s fix-all wasn’t duct tape or WD-40 — it was brushing your teeth. I don’t know  how or why – it just seemed logical to him. Every time I had a problem, he would advise me to brush my teeth. Bless his heart and rest his soul — I bet they’re all brushing their teeth in heaven right now.

Then I would organize a big banquet of church lady food. There’s nothing that will bring people together and soothe harsh tempers like sweet potato casserole, mac-n-cheese and banana pudding. Before long, you’d have people  gathered around, telling stories and planning the next get-together.  Pass the chicken and dumplings! I’m telling you, it would work. Think of the money this would save – no more high level power meetings with fancy, overpriced catered food. (I work at a college — I know what I’m talking about)

All drama zones would be abolished. I don’t like drama of any kind, unless it’s in a late-night movie. This doesn’t need further explanation. It is what it is. The media outlets wouldn’t need to do anything but bring us the weather, public service announcements and sweet animal stories. Or better yet, have them report on the really important things, like local heroes who help their communities instead of tearing them apart. Any media person caught instigating a riot would be tarred and feathered, and fined!

On second thought, being president must be pretty hard on you — the last two have had lots of gray hair before their first term was even through. I have enough trouble keeping up with mine now! I think I’ll just settle for being queen of my double wide.Pass the chocolates and sweet tea, please!










2 thoughts on “Doublewide for President

  1. Yes, Clyburn for President! Actually, she’ll just go by the name Connie since she is personable and charming. And she’ll straighten this country out with all her bless-your-hearts, perms for bad guys, duct tape, church dinners and nix the drama. Yes, vote for Charming Connie in 2020!

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