Old News is Still Funny

I’m sitting here looking through some old newspaper columns I wrote way back when I worked for the Whitley Republican in Williamsburg, KY.

What a hoot!

Back then I wrote a lot like I write now — blogs anyway. The blog kinda took the place of what was once a column. Maybe they’re still called columns in newspaper lingo. I’m outta that loop now.

This was not too many years after Elvis passed to that great Graceland in the sky. I decided to write a column about the hubbub surrounding opinions that Elvis still walked among us. I know, it’s a little out there.

If you care to read my novice small town reporter ramblings from long ago, here is that column:

Please Let Elvis, and Us, Rest in Peace

Ok, Elvis, come out and let us all in on the big joke.

I’ve figured it out. Elvis is still alive and he’s putting all those commercials about himself on television to drive us crazy.

Any time of the day or evening, flip on the tv and see commercials promoting books about Elvis or phone numbers to call for messages he supposedly made four years after his death. If he has made a call to anyone recently I sincerely hope they didn’t accept the charges!

There are also “one of a kind” Elvis dolls, Elvis Hawaiian hula lamps and black velvet paintings of “the king”. Oh, I almost forgot, a new Elvis credit card is now available to make it oh so easy to afford all of this.

There are also experts on cable talk shows who share their theories on where Elvis is keeping himself these days. Some say he has been seen in Michigan and others are sure he’s on a tropical island. Personally I would choose the tropical island. Not to slight Michigan, but I lived there. And now for my theory. If he’s on a tropical island somewhere, chances are he wants to be left alone.

Perhaps visitors to Graceland should look a little closer. Who’s the maintenance man there now, anyway? Yes, that has never been addressed on one of those Elvis commercials. Or what about the one room that was shut up and has never been opened since his death? Any true Elvis hound (no pun intended) wouldn’t rest until these mysteries are cleared up.

Oh no. What if I’ve started something else now. If I see one commercial about this on cable tv I’m contacting someone about royalty rights. After all, everybody else is making money off him.

So, is Elvis dead or alive? I happen to be in the ever shrinking minority who believes he has been gone since August 16, 1977. If that date isn’t right I’m not to blame. I got it from one of the those commercials.

Not that I sit around thinking about it. I’m just so tired of seeing Elvis this and Elvis that everywhere I go. I’m afraid that it will wash my brain so much that I will start to think about it and plan a pilgrimage to Memphis. And before, all I ever wanted to go there for was to see the Mississippi.

Come on all you Elvis promo pushers. Let us, and Elvis, rest in peace.